people with anxiety and depression

Follow me on my journey as an anxious and depressed human being. I'm just a regular dude in his 50's, married with kids and a job I love. I am not a medical professional, so take me with a grain of salt. My goal is to find therapy in sharing my stories. My hope is that you find comfort in not being alone..

alcoholism anxiety cause coping depression GAD hypochondria MDD mental mental health physical social anxiety suicidal thoughts therapy tips & tricks traveling

  • how does your depression feel?

    man with depression

    That’s how my depression feels. Dark, lonely, isolated, uncontrollable sobbing. It’s probably different for different people.

    But my depression? My depression sucks. Like real bad.

    My therapist calls it major depressive disorder or MDD for fun.

    Side note, I just internally rapped OPP to that.

    Anyways back to more me. As mentioned in other posts, depression is relatively new to me, about a year. Prior to it starting, I was a pretty happy person who rarely cried. My anxiety never really makes me sad. It just makes days a bit more stressful. But not sad. If I did tear up it was for good reasons, like military members surprising their moms at home during the holidays on TikTok. Like happy stuff.

    My depression also doesn’t happen when you’d think it would. Death of a family member, death of a pet, unfounded rumors of the death of the Reese Cup. Death of any of the things we know and love.

    Mine starts for no real reason.

    “Come on, you’re telling me you just start crying for no reason at all?”

    No dick, I’m telling you it’s for no real reason.

    My therapist actually just recently asked me to start paying attention to what was happening prior to the episodes of depression. The past couple of times I had been extremely anxious for several days leading up to them.

    Maybe my anxiety ramps up so much it causes my depression. That would be so awesome. Like a BOGO.

    “I asked you how does it feel.”

    Imagine losing your parents, siblings, spouse and children all in a single car accident. You survived untouched. Imagine that level of sadness. Then imagine going into your dark basement and sitting against a wall, head in your hands, rocking back and forth, sobbing.

    I know. It makes no sense to cry over nothing. I agree.

    What’s even better than that though is this. As I’m sobbing.

    Pause here. I keeping using the word sobbing for a reason. I’m not crying, I’m sobbing. Think of it as crying harder than you ever have in your life. Times that by ten. Really stop and think and imagine how that scenario above would actually make you feel. That’s sobbing.

    Anyways, what I was going to say was that as I’m sobbing, sometimes, if it’s a really good one, my anxiety will ramp up even more. Once that happens then I’m making shit up to sob about. Yes, I will eventually die when I’m old, yes my kids will eventually move out, yes the snow is on its way, yes I’ll be homeless after I lose my job, house, wife and kids and will become a drug addict and die.

    It’s like holy fuck, I’ve got two brain hurricanes making brainfall at the same damn time!

    That. That’s how my depression feels.

    Warm and cozy.

  • how did you catch your anxiety/depression?

    What causes anxiety and depression? Man, I wish I knew so I could help others avoid it. I really do.

    Truth is, I don’t know how I caught it. I’m not even sure it’s catchable.

    Maybe it was my alcoholic father.

    Maybe it was his premature death.

    Maybe it was the time some kids beat me up.

    Maybe it was the time I discovered my dead dog covered in blood after it was shot by my neighbor.

    Maybe it was the stressful year when I worked eighty hours a week for the entire year.

    Maybe it was a side affect of a medication I took.

    Maybe it was all the drinking I used to do (thirteen years sober baby).

    Maybe it’s just fuckin’ genetics.

    Maybe we’re just born with this shit.

    Maybe this blogging thing will help me uncover the cause and heal from it.

    Maybe it’s worth the try.

  • how does anxiety feel mentally?

    mental symptoms of anxiety

    This is the other question I get asked a lot, obviously. As with the physical side of anxiety, I’m sure we all experience it differently.

    My anxiety is usually the literal non-stop worrying about events that, after 51 years, still haven’t happened. It can be a single issue or a dozen issues. They just loop over and over and over.

    “just stop thinking about it”

    Just stop being a dick before I punch you in the face.

    I know it sounds stupid. Why can’t I just stop thinking about it? Why does it keep looping? I have no idea. But it sucks.

    Here’s a wild one.

    I mentioned in another post how my father passed away from colon cancer when he was 55 and I was 25.

    Side note, if you’re 45 or older, male or female, please get a colonoscopy. Your primary care physician can set it up for you. If my dad would have just done that he’d still be alive today. A simple procedure you sleep through. I get so pissed when I hear people still getting colon cancer when it is so easy to catch and fix. Yes, there are exceptions, I get it.

    Okay back to me again.

    For a good five years after he passed there was zero doubt in my mind that I had colon cancer. I would press around on my abdomen incessantly trying to feel it. Pushing on my stomach. Too feel it. To feel cancer. It sounds stupid to even type that, but I knew I had it. It got to the point that various spots would start to feel a little tender.

    “From all the pushing on it?”

    No dummy, from the cancer.

    The soreness was a clear sign I had colon cancer. I was right! I told my primary care doctor that even though I was only nearing my thirties I needed to have a colonoscopy to prove I was right.

    Notice how my mental anxiety actually caused my physical anxiety this time. Unreal what it can do to me or cause me to do to myself.

    Twenty five years and numerous colonoscopies later I still don’t have colon cancer. What a waste of years of worrying.

    Anxiety sucks. It really does.

    A lot of people want to go back in time to buy a lottery ticket to win millions. I want to go back in time, walk up to my old self and whisper in my ear, “it never happened. none of it.”

    Hindsight and all.

  • how does anxiety feel physically?

    physical symptoms of anxiety

    I get asked this one a lot. I imagine how anxiety feels is different from person to person, but there are likely a lot of similarities.

    Physically I’m anxious most of the time. From the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep.

    It manifests in several different ways.

    Stomach – I’d say 75% of the time it manifests in my stomach. I liken the feeling to being jump scared. Like when you walk into a room and somebody is hiding along the wall and jumps towards you and yells to scare you. After that initial rush of adrenaline there’s that kind of leftover feeling in your gut. I feel that feeling most of the day.

    Breathing – This one’s fun. I’ll catch myself holding my breath as I cycle through all the thoughts my brain is stuck on repeating over and over. I’ll eventually snap out of it and internally yell “just breath!”

    Teeth – My dentist told me years ago that I must grind my teeth at night when I sleep. She had me do a sleep study which said I did not grind my teeth. She shrugged at the results. Then one day when i was really anxious I caught myself clenching my teeth. It would appear that I’m a daytime grinder. *shrug*

    Legs – This one is relatively new, started about 6 months ago. I’ll catch myself tightening up the quads in my leg. When I finally realize it, it almost hurts so I relax it right away. It’s only ever in my legs and it’s only ever one leg at a time.

    Tinnitus – Tinnitus is a condition caused by who knows what, but it makes your ears ring. It can be anywhere from a faint ring to a loud ring that actually can make it difficult to do everyday activities. I’ve had faint, high pitched tinnitus for as long as I can remember. However, when I get hit with a bad anxiety episode, that faint rings screams at a much higher pitch. It actually kind of sucks. No matter if it’s a low or a high ring, once you become aware and focus on it, forget it. Your day is done.

    Anxiety is so cool.

  • why am I even here?

    sad man with depression

    It’s sad to realize the number of times I’ve asked myself that question.

    The number of times I’ve not wanted to be alive.

    This is the hardest part to explain about my lifelong anxiety and relatively new depression (because having anxiety wasn’t enough for this overachiever).

    I’m not suicidal, it’s just that sometimes I don’t want to be alive on this planet.

    “Well isn’t that a suicidal thought?”

    No, it’s not. I don’t want to die, I have a lot to live for. But man, sometimes I really, and I mean really don’t want to exist.

    I know that doesn’t make sense to most people but it’s a thought I’ve repeated far more often in my life than any person should have to.

    “What do you mean should have to? You choose to think that way!”

    I’ll punch you.