That’s how my depression feels. Dark, lonely, isolated, uncontrollable sobbing. It’s probably different for different people.

But my depression? My depression sucks. Like real bad.

My therapist calls it major depressive disorder or MDD for fun.

Side note, I just internally rapped OPP to that.

Anyways back to more me. As mentioned in other posts, depression is relatively new to me, about a year. Prior to it starting, I was a pretty happy person who rarely cried. My anxiety never really makes me sad. It just makes days a bit more stressful. But not sad. If I did tear up it was for good reasons, like military members surprising their moms at home during the holidays on TikTok. Like happy stuff.

My depression also doesn’t happen when you’d think it would. Death of a family member, death of a pet, unfounded rumors of the death of the Reese Cup. Death of any of the things we know and love.

Mine starts for no real reason.

“Come on, you’re telling me you just start crying for no reason at all?”

No dick, I’m telling you it’s for no real reason.

My therapist actually just recently asked me to start paying attention to what was happening prior to the episodes of depression. The past couple of times I had been extremely anxious for several days leading up to them.

Maybe my anxiety ramps up so much it causes my depression. That would be so awesome. Like a BOGO.

“I asked you how does it feel.”

Imagine losing your parents, siblings, spouse and children all in a single car accident. You survived untouched. Imagine that level of sadness. Then imagine going into your dark basement and sitting against a wall, head in your hands, rocking back and forth, sobbing.

I know. It makes no sense to cry over nothing. I agree.

What’s even better than that though is this. As I’m sobbing.

Pause here. I keeping using the word sobbing for a reason. I’m not crying, I’m sobbing. Think of it as crying harder than you ever have in your life. Times that by ten. Really stop and think and imagine how that scenario above would actually make you feel. That’s sobbing.

Anyways, what I was going to say was that as I’m sobbing, sometimes, if it’s a really good one, my anxiety will ramp up even more. Once that happens then I’m making shit up to sob about. Yes, I will eventually die when I’m old, yes my kids will eventually move out, yes the snow is on its way, yes I’ll be homeless after I lose my job, house, wife and kids and will become a drug addict and die.

It’s like holy fuck, I’ve got two brain hurricanes making brainfall at the same damn time!

That. That’s how my depression feels.

Warm and cozy.