I’ve just been laid off!
Losing my job sucks, it really does, but I’ve called it so many times over the years, you can’t even imagine. I knew all through my time at that company that I was going to lose my job, my house, my wife, my kids, my everything! I mention the same thoughts in this post about hitting rock bottom.
Sadly, losing my job isn’t even the saddest part of this story. The saddest part is that I was with this company for over eighteen years. I worried incessantly for over eighteen years. That’s sad.
It’s so frustrating to think how much time I spend worrying about things that never happen. I get it, this time it actually did happen, but it took eighteen years! How stupid. It makes no sense. Anxiety makes no sense.
Even more annoying is that there was never any reason to worry. I always got good reviews from my managers and the teams I worked with. Never got in trouble. Never had a customer complaint. Nothing, all positive signs. I knew it was all positive signs, but my brain saw them as negative signs. So dumb.
Here’s another work related example of how twisted up my brain is. Years ago I got a raise. It was a good one. I should have been happy for weeks or even months! I was happy for like a day. In my mind I thought maybe they were giving me a raise because they were planning on firing me. They knew they were going to fire me so they wanted to give me a little extra money to help when I was unemployed.
Guys. I’m serious. That’s exactly what I thought.
Right now my anxiety is sky high as expected. I’m convinced I’ll never find another job. I’m convinced I’ll fail all my interviews. I’m convinced I’ll end up homeless out on the streets all alone. Anxiety is stupid. Anxiety is always stupid.
Looking back over the years, anxiety has taken away so much of my life. It’s made me stay home when I wanted to go out, lay in bed when I didn’t want to sleep, cry when there was nothing to be sad about, say no to things I wanted to say yes to. It’s caused me to miss so much. I hate it.
But I keep marching because I have too much good to live for, now and in the future. I also have a great support system that knows exactly what I’m going through because I tell them. It’s one of my best pieces of advice, I talk about it here. Just talk. They don’t have to understand it completely, sometimes you just need them to listen, hold your hand and tell you it’s going to get better and that they’re there for you.
In reality, I was laid off because the company lost billions last year and they started chopping heads. I just happened to be in between clients with no new clients in site and I was an easy target. It wasn’t my fault, not my fault at all. Yet somehow, in my miserable mind, it was all my fault.
You hiring?
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